Someone left a little review

Dear Charles,

This is dedicated to you from the other bloggers and I, even if they don’t know it. We wuv you. Do we tell you often enough? Because we do. You are always the bright spot in this daily existence, so please accept the following as my, our, my, whatever–token of appreciation–all of us (and me)

 

Earlier today there was a new review on Charles’ book, Legends of Windemere: Beginning of a Hero. Now knowing that Charles is the professional that he is, he will not post this and bitch about it, so I will do it for him. He has morals, me? Not so much.

The reviewer basically said that he read the first few scenes and said it was all ‘show and not tell’.  Basically, he read the equivalent of the free sample and decided to review the book.

Here is a quote from Charles, and yes I got his permission first.

“He rated me lower that a pack of 500 Bicycle Ball Bearings, Bike Pedals, and Pepperoncini Peppers.  I’m tearing up laughing at that one.  To this reviewer, my book is worse than the mildest hot pepper and spare bike parts.”    Top Ramen, Charles, Top Ramen.

 

So here goes: (voice check memememememe. honey lemon tea. memememememe.)

 

Someone left a little review

on Amazon today

and when I see a new review

I jump up screaming YAY!

 

But on this one occassion

this reviewer went too far

he compared my stuff to  peppers

and forgot three of my stars

 

It isn’t that I’m picky

come on say a word or two

I welcome your opinion

and all your comments too

 

All I’m really asking

is that you reserve judgment until

you’ve gotten past the title

before using your reviewing skills

 

So don’t go  judging something

that you know nothing about

and cause all those who haven’t read

to suddenly have doubts

 

If you must compare my stuff

to some other person or thing

you could at least pick nouns worth while

like gold or diamond rings

 

You see I am a writer

so you better watch your back

I’ll write you into my next book

and give you lots of flack

 

I’ll feed you to a dragon

and then make you kiss a Lich

I’ll use you for target practice

and then make you Fizzle’s bitch

 

But I don’t take it personal

not in any way

negative reviews sell books

I wish you a good day

 

So thanks for offering your thoughts

and also for being frank

I will be thinking of your words

as I am in line at the bank

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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58 thoughts on “Someone left a little review

  1. Great poem! Yeah people leaving reviews without reading the whole thing is stupid. Hopefully people reading the reviews can ascertain that it is a bogus review. Keep up the hard work Charles, you’re doing good!

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  2. You can definitely count me in as your supporter in this! I do have one quibbly little change to suggest for this verse:

    “All I’m really asking
    is that you reserve judgment until
    you’ve gotten past the title
    before using your reviewing skills”

    I suggest that you remove the plural from “skills” and make it “skill.” Yes, it will rhyme better, but that’s incidental. The main change I would suggest is leaving “skill” in quotes, thus delicately calling into question this reviewer’s “skill!” 🙂

    It’s so unfair to review a book before you read it! Although my father once wrote an entire article rebutting a book he hadn’t read! I did NOT inherit that gene!

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  3. Thanks for the poem, Ionia. That made me laugh. I guess I now have my Top Ramen. At least until something funnier comes along. I’ll never look at Pepperoncini Peppers and Bicycle Ball Bearings the same way again.

    I should look at it this way. Every negative review I’ve had has come from people that haven’t finished the book. That tells me something.

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  4. I am laughing sooooo hard at my desk right now…it’s a good thing that I’m the only one here. This stanza…
    I’ll feed you to a dragon
    and then make you kiss a Lich
    I’ll use you for target practice
    and then make you Fizzle’s bitch
    BRILLIANT!
    And Charles…I know a guy who knows a Dragon…who knows a Vampire with a beating heart…I’m just saying

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  5. really enjoyed this and good job stickin up for Charles… I haven’t read his book as of yet… but from samples of his writing on his blog he does not deserve such a review… especially by someone who hasn’t read the entire book…

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  6. Wanna-be writers often harsh the real ones. Jaded readers, the same. Comes with the turf.

    My first one-star reveiw began “I do not give negative reviews lightly.” Fact is, the fellow gave about one-third of his book reviews a one- or two-star rating. Made me crazy for a couple days. Now? Not so much.

    There’s a guy, lives down the street, complains about everything. The Parks Department recently cleared boulders off a one-half mile stretch of beach. Fenced off an area of that as a nesting ground for endangered plovers. This guy? Overlooks the now usable stretch of beach and bitches, “When birds pay taxes, they can have a nesting area.”

    Folks like your reviewer and my neighbor exist to provide comic relief. Don’t worry, Chuck. Even Stephen King gets one- and two-star reviews.

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  7. I. FREAKING. LOVE. THIS! Hilarious! I’m reading Charles’ book now and I agree, this guy doesn’t have a clue how good this book is. Oh, and I really like the idea of this guy becoming Fizzle’s bitch 🙂

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  8. Ionia, you have outdone yourself! See what happens when you start writing? I find it hard to fathom how someone who doesn’t read a book could review a book. Glad Charles has you in his corner.

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  9. Alchemy in action…from out of the ashes of the crushing review comes the pure gold of the sorely-abused authors’ anthem! Now I just need to learn it by heart. Brilliant.

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  10. I am SO on board with this. So many things I’d like to say to this reviewer… I have no problem with leaving a review if you read half of a book and couldn’t/didn’t want to finish it (why waste time if the book’s not doing it for you?), but after a preview or just a few chapters? No, sorry, your opinion is nothing people couldn’t decide for themselves by reading the same preview you did, and your star rating is negatively affecting something you didn’t even give a chance to win you over.

    Yes, that last sentence was convoluted. I’m angry. Amazon/Goodreads/whoever should take down reviews in which people admit they didn’t read much of the book. It’s like seeing a shirt on the rack in a store, not liking it, and leaving negative feedback on an independent… clothing review site. Is that a thing? You know what I mean.

    I’m glad Charles is taking this so well, though. That’s the only way to approach it and stay sane, I think,

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  11. I liked the poem as well. They say, humour is good when dealing with a certain review and a comment, left by an anonymous fellow. The main thing for anyone who has ebooks out on amazon and else where, not to get annoyed by certain reviews. That’s just part of being a writer, getting poked with a real long pointy sticks by critics

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  12. Yikes! What a mean person! (The reviewer, not you Ionia.) Great poem. You’re a great person to have as a friend. We always know you’ve got our back. And by the way, I liked the target practice bit. Have fun at the bank. 😉

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  13. Pingback: Week 7: What Caught My Senses This Week | Keep Calm and Write On

  14. Pingback: Week 7: What Caught My Senses This Week

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