One of them doesn’t mind being called out by name. The other, he’s a bit shy, or afraid of breaching his contract or something, so we will just refer to him as Modern Vampire, or MV for short.
So here they are, please welcome them but don’t go so far as to stick out your neck for them. I couldn’t live with that kind of responsibility.
Dracula: In my day being a vampire meant you were cold (literally,) callous and you only cared about yourself. What is with this new attitude of falling in love with mortals and resisting the urge to bite them?
MV: Uh, in case you haven’t noticed, times have changed a bit since then. We vampires have had to adapt so we can fit in. We now have an entire range of emotions. Besides, you fell in love too.
Dracula: I fell in love before I was turned into a vampire. It doesn’t count. She threw herself in a river. Then I became a vampire. No comparison.
MV: What about Mina?
Dracula: A fling, I assure you. She had nice teeth, not pointy enough, but nice. Let us change the subject, if you will.
MV: “If you will…” such formality. At least we know where they stuffed the wooden stake in your case.
Dracula: I find you tiring.
MV: You would I suppose, considering you are ancient.
Dracula: You don’t want to see me get angry. I do not take kindly to stupidity.
Dracula: Back to the interview. You hunt animals. You don’t even bother to look twice at people, Do you have any idea how much this shames those of us still in Transylvania?
MV: As I said , times have changed. It is a risk to our kind to hunt humans. Besides, with all of the MSG and cholesterol laden bodies walking around we would not be immortal anymore if we fed on them. I prefer diet soda if you know what I mean. Who are you to be giving a lesson on “the old ways?” Clearly you have a computer and WiFi at Castle Dracula or we would not be having this conversation.
Dracula: I have no such thing. I pulled the carriage into the parking lot and the local McDonald’s. They have free WiFi and stupid, insolent humans. Besides, if you get here at the beginning of the breakfast shift the employees have not been under the lights for very long, they still taste okay. Where are your capes? Your widow’s peaks? Your sense of style. You have taken to wearing “skinny Jeans.” It disgusts me.
MV: So sorry, all I heard was blaaah bla blah blaaahbetty blaaah.
Dracula: Very funny. I’m amused. I have pet wolves that drag in weary travelers. You make friends with wolves.
MV: Have you seen Beverly Hills Chihuahua?
Dracula: I did see that one, that one dog with the….that was a trick question! No, of course I do not entertain such idle stupidity! There is much work to be done.
Dracula: That is another thing. Vampires do not giggle. Our laughing is the pure essence of evil. The type of sound that makes the blood of mere mortals run rivulets of ice. Allow me to demonstrate : BUUWAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAAAAaaa.
MV: Sorry, I missed that, I was yawning. Can you do that again please?
MV: Oops, missed it again, I got a text message from Bela Lugosi.
Dracula: BUW huh huh huh *cough. Never mind. I can turn into a bat. Can you?
MV: Maybe not, but I can SHPARKLE.