Shparkles: An interview with the modern vampire

Lately I have had a dry spell with finding interesting guests to interview, so when these two guys offered, there was no way I was going to turn them down.

One of them doesn’t mind being called out by name. The other, he’s a bit shy, or afraid of breaching his contract or something, so we will just refer to him as Modern Vampire, or MV for short.

So here they are, please welcome them but don’t go so far as to stick out your neck for them. I couldn’t live with that kind of responsibility.

Dracula: In my day being a vampire meant you were cold (literally,) callous and you only cared about yourself. What is with this new attitude of falling in love with mortals and resisting the urge to bite them?

MV: Uh, in case you haven’t noticed, times have changed a bit since then. We vampires have had to adapt so we can fit in. We now have an entire range of emotions. Besides, you fell in love too.

Dracula: I fell in love before I was turned into a vampire. It doesn’t count. She threw herself in a river. Then I became a vampire. No comparison.

MV: What about Mina?

Dracula: A fling, I assure you. She had nice teeth, not pointy enough, but nice. Let us change the subject, if you will.

MV: “If you will…” such formality. At least we know where they stuffed the wooden stake in your case.

Dracula: I find you tiring.

MV: You would I suppose, considering you are ancient.

Dracula: You don’t want to see me get angry. I do not take kindly to stupidity.

MV: Renfield?

Dracula: Back to the interview. You hunt animals. You don’t even bother to look twice at people, Do you have any idea how much this shames those of us still in Transylvania?

MV: As I said , times have changed. It is a risk to our kind to hunt humans. Besides, with all of the MSG and cholesterol laden bodies walking around we would not be immortal anymore if we fed on them. I prefer diet soda if you know what I mean.ย  Who are you to be giving a lesson on “the old ways?” Clearly you have a computer and WiFi at Castle Dracula or we would not be having this conversation.

Dracula: I have no such thing. I pulled the carriage into the parking lot and the local McDonald’s. They have free WiFi and stupid, insolent humans. Besides, if you get here at the beginning of the breakfast shift the employees have not been under the lights for very long, they still taste okay. Where are your capes? Your widow’s peaks? Your sense of style. You have taken to wearing “skinny Jeans.” It disgusts me.

MV: So sorry, all I heard was blaaah bla blah blaaahbetty blaaah.

Dracula: Very funny. I’m amused. I have pet wolves that drag in weary travelers. You make friends with wolves.

MV: Have you seen Beverly Hills Chihuahua?

Dracula: I did see that one, that one dog with the….that was a trick question! No, of course I do not entertain such idle stupidity! There is much work to be done.

MV: *Giggles*

Dracula: That is another thing. Vampires do not giggle. Our laughing is the pure essence of evil. The type of sound that makes the blood of mere mortals run rivulets of ice. Allow me to demonstrate : BUUWAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAAAAaaa.

MV: Sorry, I missed that, I was yawning. Can you do that again please?

Dracula: BUUWAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAAAAaaa!

MV: Oops, missed it again, I got a text message from Bela Lugosi.

Dracula: BUW huh huh huh *cough. Never mind. I can turn into a bat. Can you?

MV: Maybe not, but I can SHPARKLE.

102 thoughts on “Shparkles: An interview with the modern vampire”

  1. “Besides, if you get here at the beginning of the breakfast shift the employees have not been under the lights for very long, they still taste okay.”

    Literal LOL!

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  2. Another MV, lets call him Splike*, upon reading this most awesome interview, had this to say : “Dracula? Poncy bugger owes me ยฃ11, for one thing.”

    *any resemblance to Spike from Buffy The Vampire Slayer is um, possible so in the spirit of self-ass-covering, I own nothing, Joss Whedon is THE Master and owns all and any rights to any and everything that has to do with Splike, I mean Spike. I just happen to have a huge gigantic yearn-crush on a fictional character who does not belong to me. Dammit. ๐Ÿ˜€

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      1. Ah, the debauchery of sin city. ๐Ÿ˜› I’ve never been there, but I keep getting told I should go. Half of them say for the shows and the other half for the casinos and strip clubs.

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      2. I’ve got no rhythm and am allergic to glitter. Back up plan is tie between international assassin and crazy guy dancing on the street corner for dollars. The wife’s back up plan is the strip club, but she doesn’t know it yet.

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      3. It’s been 2.99 all day. It changed maybe an hour ago. I sent them a message, but that takes 24 hours to get a response. Why must everything become a pain-filled disaster for me with these people?

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      4. They decided to make my publisher pull one of my books down because it had a symbol on the front stating it was book two they said it was external advertising

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      5. That’s odd. Wonder if one of my many blogs or tweets about my book being .99 cents is coming back to haunt me. It’d be my luck that I’ve somehow trapped my book in a .99 cent limbo. Only useful if I have the sequel out.

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      6. Thanks. It’s really coming down to a ‘why does this keep happening to me?’ First the ‘out of print’ debacle and then the KDP Select issue. I know I wanted to share my experiences and help be an example for other self-published authors, but this is getting ridiculous.

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      7. Been doing research. The best case scenario is that they found my book for .99 cents and dropped it to match. Yet, being on KDP Select, that doesn’t make any sense. I really need that sequel.

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      8. This one is an odd event with the sudden rising, but I like the sound of that first link. I still get the 70% royalty. Hopefully this is the case. Just wish they gave me more time at 2.99, so the price drop would have some impact.

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  3. If Vlad the Impaler sees this he’ll go stright for your throat. Turtlenecks and scarves are your suggested spring fashion statements…I can see it in the Shparkling stars.
    Later…

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  4. An entertaining break from Facebook. LOL This is what is wrong with youngsters nowadays, they aren’t afraid of anything! We had real monsters back in the day.:) As always, you tickle my funny bone. I needed it today….

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  5. Girl…I don’t even know what to say! lol I was just talking to my best friend to day that we needed to bring back Dracula. So, now you are a mind reader too…geez!!

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  6. Haha. My favourite part of that was; “Besides, with all of the MSG and cholesterol laden bodies walking around we would not be immortal anymore if we fed on them.”

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  7. This is brilliant, I love it. I haven’t laughed so much for ages. So well though out and presented, capturing the essence of the characters. I have to reblog this. Aw come on, I did post something of my own today too ๐Ÿ™‚

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