Andra this post is for you.
Some people want to have an interesting experience in life. They want the thrill and excitement of the unknown, so they choose to do life risking activities like skydiving or bungee jumping or climbing rock walls.
Me? Nah.
I go to the grocery store. Yep. That’s right. Do you know what it is like to live in a relatively small town? Some of you do, some of you don’t.
Do you know what it’s like to live in a relatively small American town and be one of the only people there with a British accent?
I do.
But we will come back to that in a bit. First, the post title. Man V Meat. No, no of course this is not a famous case about a man suing Oscar Meyer. This is daily life.
Have you ever seen those guys who clearly think that anything at the butcher shop wrapped in cellophane is a foreign object from another planet that can only be investigated through careful prodding, poking and verbal assault?
Here is an example. The guy who looks at the meat from a distance first, inching closer with one sliding foot shuffle at a time. When he is in reach, he leans down as though he is inspecting it through a microscope, then extends his hand and quickly draws it back as if the meat has somehow threatened him.
After a few repeats of this interesting man ritual he will finally get up the courage to actually touch the package. He will then poke it a few times to ensure that the animal is actually dead and not just seriously maimed. Once he has established his dominance over the meat, he will lift the package and then set it back down. Lift the package and then set it back down again, before finally saying “Shit,” and walking away.
This is a mystery. Women will move the packages while considering the best deal and trying to find the best looking one, but we will usually choose something…eventually.
Today I did something that no woman has ever done before. I convinced a man to buy a package of meat. No, really. I can hardly believe it myself.
This poor fellow was looking at lamb shank. And he was clueless. I’m not even sure he knew which animal it came from. So, for once, he actually looked up and asked me how you would go about preparing something like this. Here was the gist of the conversation:
Meat guy: Excuse me miss, I have no idea how you would go about cooking this.
Me: There are many ways.
Meat guy: ? (Frightened look.)
Me: Giggle. (It may have been the accent that threw him for a moment. I will give him time to reevaluate.)
Meat Guy: It will be tough if I BBQ it, right?
Me: You could slow roast it for a few hours at a low temperature and then season it and put it on the grill.
Meat guy: (Terrified look) that sounds like a lot of work.
Me: (Determined to succeed.) It really isn’t too bad. It just takes a while.
Meat guy: (Indecision clear on his face…) I guess I could give it a try. Hey, thanks. (A smile. oh my he actually smiled.)
Me: Have a lovely day.
He actually bought it. He didn’t put it back even. I watched him go through the register later. Seriously. No poking, prodding, swearing. I’m sure that will come later when he attempts to cook it. The point is, I have taught a man to shop for a single item. Must note this day in history.
Now back to the accent. We all stereotype sometimes, right?
When did a British accent suddenly make one an expert on certain things? I’m buying a bit of cheese and some other deli pleasantries this afternoon and what happens? A woman waiting in line next to me turns to me and says. There is always a wait here. We exchange a few polite words. She then says “Oh, you’re British! Can you recommend a cheese to go with this wine? I know very little about this stuff and you people know so much about wine and cheese.”
You people?
First of all, there was no You People because there was just me at that point. So it would have been you person. I know naught about wine other than that if I drink enough of it everyone is suddenly funnier and has a twin or …two. I do know quite a lot about cheese. Love that cheese. But what is it about an accent that makes someone think the person with it is so much different than they are? I hear these things all the time so and so ethnic group is good at this sport. blah blah race is better and more intelligent than this other whoopedeedoo. It irks me. So I did recommend a cheese, but only because I like it. If it rots in her gut with the wine she chose I will almost feel bad. If I ever see her again.
So this nearly concludes my pointless post.
right
after
this
…
I am giving up the words ”ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ”ย ย ย ย ย ย and ”ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ”ย ย ย ย for the rest of this week. They are too obviously British and I am tired of everyone asking me to repeat them. So if I slip and you hear me say either ”ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ” or ”ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ” spank me.ย ย I can’t actually type them because that would constitute me saying them and then you would get to smack me on the arse.
Thank you for your support. XO IO
213 responses to “Man v Meat (Andra will love this title)”
I say Ionia, could you tell me what goers well with a really nice marrow bone? I was thinking sourdough bread but you people know more about marrow bones than anyone. And would a claret be fine with that as well? Thanks Duckworth.
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LOL!! I can tell you that beer and sardines with a can of baked beans is a bad idea, unless you hate your boss.
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๐
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This is TOO FUNNY!
And how weird! I’ve never noticed you’re British accent! ๐
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Grr… I meant YOUR British accent!
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we do not edit comments we save that for the books.
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Oh good! What a relief!
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Oh no I almost said one of the forbidden words. lol
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Hmmm, what are the forbidden words? I must have missed a very important post. You’re not giving up ‘wanker’ are you? That is so cute when you say it! (Funnier when you call Charles that!) ๐
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Charles will remain a wanker. The forbidden words are at the bottom of this post. Well, sort of.
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Oh good! Hmmm, maybe I’m blind, but there isn’t anything in those quotation marks! ๐
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There isn’t? mhmmmmm. What do you see when I hold up this inkblot my dear?
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Ooo! What a pretty flower! Roses are my favorite, however did you know? ๐
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It was a squirrel
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No! I’m positive it was a flower! Wait, maybe that was a squirrel on a flower. Oh well. Hang on a second while I find my glasses…
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Squirrel flowers. I like it.
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Thay are rare, and it is sometimes dangerous to smell these flowers…they have been known to bite your nose!
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Rabid roses?
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Worse! After being bitten, you will find yourself craving nuts, berries, and bugs.
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Oh no! I do that now!!!!
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Oh no! You’ve been infected! Quick, the only cure is to go eat a cupcake! ๐
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I’ve got mad snail disease!!! The first sign is saying “I’ve got mad snail disease!”
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That sounds even worse than the rabid rose-squirrel disease! I’d better go Google a cure for that!
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Spongebob will know what to do!
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What about Dr. Hello Kitty or Scooby Doo?
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Hmmmm don’t forget Care Bears:)
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Or the smurfs! Papa Smurf to the rescue!
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I liked fraggle rock but that was before your time…I’m old!
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Haha! You’re not that much older than me! (But you’re right, I don’t know that one.) How about Garfield or Curious George?
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I love nermal.
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Hey Arnold? Doug?
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Rug rats!
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Ooo! Loved that one!
Blue’s Clues, Maisy, and Dora the Explorer! Top that! ๐
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Diego,tuff puppy, peppa pig. I got kids lady!
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The Wild Thornberries! That’s all I’ve got. I admit defeat. Good job Mom! ๐
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LOL I will never be young like you again. You will take me down.
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Aw, I don’t believe it! With your ninja squirrels, you’re a force to be reckoned with!
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But I am slow when I have Charles on my back…:(
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Oh dear! Shall I distract him with a cupcake?
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You will need more than one.
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Maybe I should throw in some ice cream…I heard he likes ice cream…
Hey! Wait a minute! What gives? I thought you two broke up!?!?!
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WE DID BUT HE STILL HAD HALF MY PIZZA.
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That is SO not fair! Tell him to eat his own pizza! Throw a squirrel at him, Ionia!
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He’s getting better at ducking them.
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*sigh*
That is sad. Seems like you’re stuck with him forever now.
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crap.
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Hahaha! So much for girl’s night out, huh? ๐
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Darn we will just have to lend him a dress.
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Maybe a wig, too. You have alpacas, right? I’m sure their fur would do nicely!
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lol. I am imagining this…
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Kind of a scary picture.
Here, let me fix this! High heels and lipstick: quick fix for every problem! ๐
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Pigs in lipstick lol
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Hahaha! I have a new partner-in-crime! Awesome!
Charles, I am sincerely hoping you won’t read ANY of these comments!!!
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I will send him the thread. no worries.
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What?!? I’m going to go hide under my bed now.
…After I fight off the dust bunnies and sock monsters, that is.
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and old cupcakes
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Sadly, cupcakes are a rarity at my house. I think I’ve only had two all year. ๐ฆ
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Sadly…me too
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I am in tears now! This is just too sad! We need to meet up and go rob a bakery!
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okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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LOL ๐
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I have never seen that meat ritual. I think this means I food shop like a woman.
So, British people don’t know everything? Does that mean I don’t have to believe everything you say? ๐
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Of course you don’t. If you want to kid yourself into thinking you can live without my advice go ahead. You may want to be careful going down the stairs.
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Wait. Should I believe that I don’t have to believe you? My brain meats hurt. ๐ฆ
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You overcooked it again didn’t you?
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Yeah. I keep thinking of the same thing over and over again, so it blew a fuse.
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How to cook this meat how to cook this meat how to ….
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Close. We had pasta for dinner.
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what are you getting on about? Have you lost the meat in your head?
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I have it on the charger, so I’m only working with the stem right now.
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I forgot.
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It’ll be back in a few minutes. As long as I don’t forget where I put it . . . what were we talking about again?
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noodle
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Gorillaz
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Turkey giblets
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Stromboli
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Moon.
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Penny loafer
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3.14
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Stone Cold Stunner
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Rakishi!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Super thong!
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She’s got legs and she knows how to use them. Let’s switch to song lyrics. Maybe we can write a story using just lyrics.
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I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other brothers can’t deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung
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Nothin’ lasts forever even cold November rain.
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Take me down to the paradise city
Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty
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girls girls girls
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I’ve got it bad, so bad
I’m hot for teacher!
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hit me baby one more time
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I’m comin’ up so you better get this party started
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I’m blue dabadee da ba do
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Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
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Knock knock knocking on heavens door
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Listen in awe and you’ll hear him
Bark at the moon
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going off of the rails on a crazy train ai ai ai
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I know the breakdown
Tell me again am i awake now maybe
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Somebody shake me cause I must be dreaming
now that we’re here so far away
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So break me shake me hate me
Take me over
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really good to hear your voice
sayin my name
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I’m caught in a hurricane
I’m leaving here dead or alive
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Here I go again on my own
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Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be sedated
Nothin’ to do and no where to go-o-oh I wanna be sedated
Just get me to the airport put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can’t control my fingers I can’t control my brain
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Odd. For most of my adult life I have been shopping and cooking, and I have never seem the activity you describe. Perhaps it only happens in the presence of British people.
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That is it. I believe you are correct. Or perhaps the town I live in has a lot of really dumb bachelors. ๐
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I’m still wondering how you found a store that actually had men shopping for more than beer????
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I live in a warp world where people think Charles is normal. Explains a lot, no?
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Says it all ๐
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I do admit that it is not only men that look confused in the store. women in the hardware store are often funny as well. Not always for lack of knowledge either.
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Now I know why I try and shop online. So people don’t get their entertainment from me. I am usually more like Bradley trying to carry two pillows and holding up my pants.
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LOL. He told me that story over the phone and I had tears rolling down my face when he was done.
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Me too. I’m reading it and Warren was wondering what was making me laugh so hard. I had this mental image. I truly LOL!
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I agree. Poor Bradley. He is making me feel bad so I must confess. I have this one pair of yoga pants that are really tight. They are supposed to be so they won’t slip. Turns out they are not created to be used with an exercise ball. I slid off the ball. My pants did not. I ended up sitting on the yoga mat with my pants around my knees and my hello kitty underwear being exposed to the world. Brad…we support you.
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One more reason I don’t exercise!
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Why did I not think of that? That is the best solution I have ever heard of. I was just going to buy different pants.
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But you can’t do what I do, or you will look like me. I don’t advise it. You couldn’t have that provocative picture then. Lol
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You mean if I don’t workout people won’t hate me anymore? This is not swaying my decision to the light side. You are one to talk missy. I recall those knockout photos of you modeling your daughter’s designs.
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The only thing knockout about me is my breath ๐
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First off, stop that you nerd. Second of all you made me think of the faith hill knock off by cletus t judd. I can smell your breath.
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Hahaha!
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Be nice to you or I will have to call you out and demand a sit in pic for my ho challenge!
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I think we should organize a picture protest
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We should and I am. Suggestions?
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I’m not feeling very creative tonight. But I’m always up for fun
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Someone suggested we all post the most revealing photos we have but I already did lol. I’m thinking everyone should agree to change their profile pic to something ridiculous.
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So was the whiner male or female?
Maybe we could employ Bradley to give us all weenie hats
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Female. Sadly.
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That explains it. Jealousy!!!!
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I don’t know honestly. I am nice to everyone, so when someone flips things around on me I am never sure what to do.
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I’m the kind of person who just doesn’t judge. I’m far from perfect so I don’t want people judging me. I think they truly meant it as helpful unsolicited advice. But it was unwarranted. And none of their business.
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I think in those situations I always figure that I would never do that to someone….so I don’t appreciate
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I did note one questionable word in quotes… ๐ (Really, you should start blogging with a deep accent. You might attract more followers that way.)
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I think I should write everything from this point forward in Cockney rhyming slang. then I won’t know what the ” ” I said either.
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Hahaha, this was fantastic. Where were you when I was looking for a good pillow? Could have saved me some trouble then, lol.
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I could have held up your pants at least.
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I’d have to call you Belt then ๐
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better than bem
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You are charming..accent and all! But, can you recommend a good tea? ๐ Love the post..laughed out loud. I’m always wondering why those guys are poking the chicken breasts!
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Thank you so much:) English Breakfast Tea of course…I would have said British blend but…so obviously a plug for myself lol
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๐
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Maybe I’m a woman … I’ve never struggled with meat in the grocery store. I toss the packages around and pick something. And I even know what to do with my meat when I get hope. ๐
I’m pretty certain one of those words is prat.
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That should have been home, but I think “hope” actually works better.
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Lol we were talking about profile pics covering real identity
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You’re not saying???
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That I’m a sumo wrestler named bob . Sponge bob.
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I was thinking about that earlier, I was going to call you a gooby goofer, then I remembered. GOOFY GOOBER!!! With killer rabbits.
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And squirrels. Don’t neglect my squirrels…
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Nah, that’s a thing you got going with your other unhusband. Tis a sad thing indeed when you can’t keep your unhusbands straight.
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But I can’t un you. It’s in the uncontract, no?
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Tis a sad day when I unforgot about the uncontract. You’re right. We’re unstuck with each other.
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I’m not unhappy
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That’s a double unnegative that’s left me confused.
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Well that is an unusual result ๐
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I think I’m too untired to fully comprehend the unbanter we’re unengaged in.
I think I know what one of the words is … that!
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You are not going to make me unintentionally say those unnatural unamerican words.
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Do they make you uncomfortable?
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Undeniably. Understand?
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Undoubtedly
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Unbelievable. I’m going to have to google un words.
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They’re unlimited.
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I am unaffected by this news.
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Unabashed, I shall carry on.
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I am not unarmed. I have two!
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Unbridle your armaments.
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I am unbeatable!!! Buwahahaha
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And I am unknowable.
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Bragging unbecoming. ๐
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Uncertainty begins.
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Not in my unbiased opinion.
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You are most unusual.
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Nah. Just a little unbuttoned๐
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Un…. Un … Unspoken unsure … Uncle!
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That was uncalled for, uncivilised and uncharitable. ๐
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Undaunted I remain unchallenged.
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You are uncommonly unflappable!
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Unlikely.
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Not uneventful though…
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Soon I will be unaware. May I wish you a good night?
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Unawake. Unbelievable autocorrect.
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I like unaware better. Lol goodnight;)
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Wow from unflappable to unaware just like that. How quickly the unmighty can fall.
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Hey Ionia, I’m in for the revealing photos thing. I have some really patriotic ones from Fatasy Fest 2001…it is like Mardi Gra but in the keys….I am completely nude except for my paint job. Its really cool! They would be quite fitting for Independence Day.
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That would be awesome! Are we going to profile pic them or post? Or both?
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I would profile with the mask on if I can find those.
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Of course a post can be here today and gone tomorrow
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Love it. I must organise the troops.
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In the morning, I will email them to you and you tell me if they are too risque.
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I think there we can use whatever we want as a profile pic as long as we rate it appropriately. I’ve got loads of interesting pics.
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Oops. i didn’t know we were supposed to rate those things and I think i posted an oil painting of myself a while back nude in a leibster award
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It only counts for the profile pics
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I checked, and yep it’s there in the post, the artist and I worked together on it and he enhanced the breasts and lengthened the legs a bit for me. I painted the chairs and the ocean and did the glaze. That was done in 1997 tho…is that cheating?
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No that’s not cheating. That’s still you!
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How in the world am I just seeing this?? I am still laughing…………though I have to tell you, in The South, many men are not happy unless they kill their own meat, dress their own meat, and serve it up with a side of tall tale about the difficulty of obtaining said meat. Perhaps that is why they behave as they do in the store.
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Doesn’t it make you feel accomplished to know that when I think of manmeat I think Andra? Lol ๐
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Andra’s not the only one who likes this post. It’s hilarious. And I was going to ask you for a cheese recommendation, ’cause you’ve got the British accent (which I can totally hear through this post), but maybe I won’t. Good on you for convincing a guy to buy a package of meat. I can’t get my brother to buy meat for any money in the world. Maybe you could speak to him, ’cause you’ve got that British accent and that makes you an expert. ๐
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I wish I would have known about my accent making me an expert earlier. I would have said a thing or two about other stuff I’m highly unqualified to offer an opinion on. ๐
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I will admit…I am fascinated by a British accent. I don’t know why, I just am. I wish I could talk like you!! I try but it always sounds lame. We have a British guy in my city, he came to a meeting and spoke. I wish he would just sit and read the dictionary to me. He offered to give me voice lessons so I can talk like him. I haven’t taken him up on it yet. I agree that accent just makes you sound smarter than Americans. Again I don’t know why but they just do!!
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Lol everyone asks me to “say this” read this and say that again. I am used to it. I do not think I have an accent really. Americans do:) I bet you have one and don’t know it.
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Oh we do! Especially from the midwest. We are very nasally. We should talk on the phone one day and have a good laugh. ๐
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We should, that would be really fun. I tend to start copying these American accents on accident so I might sound extra strange. lol
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That is too funny because I start copying the accent I hear too!! Have you heard the song Hey Now by Martin Solveig? I love it that a little bit of his accent comes through when he sings. I love it when he sings “I haven’t had a good laugh for a day now”. I love how he says “laugh”. We’ll have to set this up!!
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Absolutely! Maybe this weekend? My Skype name is ionia.martin
We can trade accents lol
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Yes!!! I’m not sure what my skype name is off the top of my head but I will look that up tomorrow for you and let you know. I’m so excited!!! I put it on my calendar for either Saturday or Sunday so I don’t forget ๐
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Sounds good! I look forward to talking to you anyway. I have a couple of questions about your amazing journey you’ve been taking.
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Excellent I would love to talk about that. How about we try for Saturday night? 6 7 or 8 p.m. somewhere in there?
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Where do you live. I’m in Nevada so I’m PST
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Wisconsin. ..CST. Any of those times work for me , you pick!
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4 my time is I believe 6 your time so if that is good, Saturday would be perfect!
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It’s on!!! I will find my skype name tomorrow well I’m on lunch. I have Skype I just don’t use it very often.
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Sounds good! Give Mdog a pat for me:)
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Will do! I will make sure she skypes too.
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I didn’t know you were British!
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hey there it’s gina!! can we push back our skype time tonight? I made plans to go out on the lake to see our city’s fireworks and did not know the plan involved dinner on the lake before-hand. I just got a text from my friends asking me “where the hell are you?” LOL. whoops!! I should be home around 10pm, we can skype then? or i can do in the morning tomorrow or tomorrow night. I’m such a space cadet this week. I promise we will skype this weekend!
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[…] ย Tonight, I got to Skype with Ionia Martin of the Readful Things Blog. ย Last week while reading her blogย I realized she is British and used to live in London. ย I LOVE THE BRITS. ย Love them. ย I’m […]
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