So with the budget being so tight and all, Santa has had to make some cutbacks. He has contacted me and asked me to review his latest book “How to conserve energy and keep those pockets padded,” By A. Jollyfatman.
Whilst I await the arrival of this book, he has agreed to do a guest post for Readful Things, sharing some of his energy saving ideas. Please welcome St. Nick.
Are you looking to save some money this year? Here are some of the changes we have made at the North Pole to ensure that production stays up and costs stay down.
1. I replaced the blinky red nose of Rudolph with a lower energy LED light. True, he can’t guide the sleigh as well, but I can find my way pretty well without the little bugger.
2. I sold off the collection of classic toys and old sleighs to those nice men from “American Pickers.”
3. Having a work force of a thousand pointy-eared people under 3 feet tall was cool and all, but they were expensive. I replaced them with five Ogres (thanks Yallowitz you made the nice list) and now I have to pay 95% less. Plus, the ogres won’t be hungry for a while since the old employees became “redundant.”
4. Mrs. Santa is no longer serving hot cocoa and cookies to all the children who visit, but requiring that they bring their own and now pay a nominal admission to “pet the reindeer.”
5. The reindeer are now only six tiny bastards because two of them are on strike. Stupid unions keep trying to cause trouble for the magical folk. Still, we save money not feeding the other two.
6. The sleigh has been replaced by a zap car. Can’t fit in as many toys, but those $1 vouchers for the Dollar tree have really cut down on required space.
7. I no longer try to “Do it all in one night,” Like Ebeneezer. My policy now states that I have up to six month to deliver said gift. The slower you drive the less fuel you use.
8. Packaging up all of those cookies that are made with vegan soy product and retailing them as organics on Amazon.com has become a handy side business.
9. Whereas I used to write my naughty and nice lists on fine parchment, I now use recycled toilet paper. It’s not as bad as it sounds, the toilet paper didn’t actually used to be toilet paper…I don’t think…
10. Mrs. Santa has started a side business as well. That crafty woman is a ….
HO HO HO!
So there you have it. Money saving ideas from the big man himself.
I was so waiting to see ‘hired Jewish accountant’ on the list. 🙂
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Damn. I knew I forgot something.
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Everyone forgets the Jews once Hanukkah is over. 😛
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I haven’t forgotten you.
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Shhh. People aren’t supposed to know that. If they did, they’ll make me do math and confiscate my bacon. I don’t eat the bacon due to doctor’s orders, but I stare at it longingly.
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Mmmmm piggy candy
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I keep thinking of Big Pink (ham-flavored gum) from Futurama now.
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Lol I miss that programme
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It shall live on in infamy and reruns. Once I have enough money, it’ll live on in DVD form for me.
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Yes, that would be a good gift.
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What does it say about me that the shows I really want on DVD are Futurama and Supernatural (I have 1-5 there)? I’m nutty.
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That you have good taste
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Well, I am what I eat. That means I’m white wine, donuts, and pizza right now.
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I’m sodium bicarb 😦 How boring
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You should add some flavoring. Strawberries?
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its bad enough already
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In that case, chocolate syrup. Enough chocolate makes everything taste good.
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A most insightful post. It is good to hear that Santa is environmentally conscious and is doing his part to save the planet.
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lol you would think he’d have to. So many people these days just don’t understand the value of a good LED.
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A good LED is worth it’s weight in gold – Mmmm LED, an extensive turgid rooster
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Reblogged this on Julian Froment's Blog and commented:
Santa revealed as environmentally conscious eco warrior. More power to him.
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I’m sorry but I just don’t have the heart to do that to Rudolph. I’ve always thought of him in the future tense, “Rudolph, won’t you lead my sleigh tonight?”
To switch him to the past tense just doesn’t seem right. It’s like saying, “Rudolph, were you the one that LED my sleigh last night?”
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Lol! Touchè
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By the way, have you heard that Canada is in the midst of trying to declare the North Pole as Canadian territory? It only makes sense, given Santa’s colors . . . talk about a coincidence!
It could all backfire though, as I among millions of other, would probably insist on putting Santa on the ballot for our next Prime Minister, but only under the condition that Geppetto is allowed to be deputy to the rest of the politicians – they’ll be wishing they’re noses were simply red! 🙂
Now that’s a sentence!
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Bad year for political genius. Maybe you should run and show them all how it’s done:)
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Ha! A comment like that is akin to Santa putting Pandora’s Box under my tree.
With my luck he’d have her wrapped with a chastity belt. Now that’s pretty naughty, but in an odd way still kinda nice, “Vixen, where’s the key?”
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giggle. I might get you that special mouse for Christmas.
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Thanks for the reminder – I’d totally forgotten about those things! 🙂 Can I be greedy and ask for a set, but in mixed colors?
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hmmm, maybe with a boob mousepad
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This may all be more than my poor little laptop can handle.
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Is it steaming?
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No. It’s glowing red, and probably will be til Christmas morning.
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Better warm than cold
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Somehow I get the feeling this discussion has migrated to the South Pole? I don’t think Santa wants to go there! 🙂
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Somehow I get the feeling this discussion has migrated to the South Pole? I don’t think Santa wants to go there! 🙂
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Reblogged this on Year 'Round Thanksgiving Project and commented:
Everybody had to change with the times…even Santa
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Reblogged this on Dean'z Worldz and commented:
Santa Clause himself guest starring on Readful Things Blog!
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Now I don’t feel so guilty about recycling Thanksgiving turkey for Christmas dinner. Seems recycling is in this year. Santa says so 🙂
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And we have to believe Santa. He was the original politician.
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I would follow his lead…he has all the toys.
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oooh…toys….
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I tried to do some recycling this year but found the first cycle tired me out enough. Great post Ionia. Really liked the used TP (which may have not been for that purpose I think) LOL
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I enjoy writing dumb stuff. I need to start a dumb stuff blog. This poor book blog.
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Ionia’s Idiotic Ink Link
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perfect lol
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Thanks Ionia, made me laugh!
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Reblogged this on teripolen and commented:
Hilarious Holiday read!
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Funny!
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Reblogged this on GG's World.
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Oh that’s so evil, making me laugh when I have a cold. 😆 So funny but it hurts so much!
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I am so sorry you’ve been sick. I wish I could have made it all go away. I would’ve taken it.
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No, this you didn’t want. It floored me. 😦 Tomorrow on my blog I have some sick statistics going up, lol.
Thanks for making me laugh though, laughing is the best medicine after all and isn’t it supposed to hurt that way you know it’s medicine?
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I suppose so, but I still hate that you felt bad at all.
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It’s okay. I just hate that I’m so lttp on your awesome posts. 😦 Tonight is the first night where I feel somewhat human, lol.
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I really feel bad that you felt so awful. i thought about sending you flowers but that would have meant that you would have to get up.
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Thank you, the thought was lovely. 🙂
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