Dear Mr. Yallowitz,
You are my most favouritest fantasy author ever. No, really, even more than that other guy who wrote that other series of books. You know, the one that you always see on the Amazon lists? Yeah, him. I am writing to you today because I want to be a fantasy author as well and I was wondering if you have any advice?
I really like your books and I hope that this letter finds you well. I particularly liked how you killed off my favourite character and then I HAD TO PICK ANOTHER FAVOURITE AND THEN YOU KILLED OFF THAT ONE TOO. I ALSO LIKED HOW YOU WAITED THREE OR FOUR OR EVEN FIVE YEARS TO RELEASE ANOTHER BOOK SO I HAD TO KEEP REREADING THE SAME BOOK OVER AND OVER GOING BLOODY MAD THE ENTIRE TIME WHILST I WAITED AND WAITED AND WAITED FOR THE NEXT BOOK TO COME OUT AND HOW I WROTE YOU FIFTY OTHER LETTERS AND ONLY GOT A FORM LETTER BACK WITH A PRINTED SIGNATURE.
I HAD SO MUCH FUN MAKING THAT VOODOO DOLL OUT OF YOUR HAIR THAT I BOUGHT ON EBAY AND STABBING PINS IN YOUR TYPING FINGERS FOR OFFING THE LAST AND ONLY CHARACTER I COULD EVER CARE ABOUT.
OOPS…SORRY, I WAS WRITING TWO LETTERS AT ONCE THERE AND MAY HAVE GOTTEN MY AUTHORS CONFUSED.
MR. YALLOWITZ, YOU ARE THE ONLY AUTHOR I WRITE TO.
SUNNYVALE MENTAL INSTITUTION