I wanted to take a moment and thank everyone who has bought and helped promote my book. I am humbled by all of your kind comments and thoughtful gestures. It is a bit odd for me to be on this side of things. I am so very lucky to have the support of such great people.
And now that my academy award speech is over, here’s a shameless plug. I promise this is the last one. Unless you count that great big image over there —> in the side bar. Don’t count that one.
“Should we not be doing something? Surely characters in a romance cannot just stand around on board a ship all day long making eyes at one another. Don’t you have a map of buried treasure or a key that opens a treasure chest or something to point us in some kind of direction?” asked Candy, looking around her at the storm brewing overhead. The storm was made possible by our sponsors, Pointless Pancakes. They were too broke to offer up a real storm, so the characters will now spend a minute or two yelling boom! While attempting to make rain noises.
“I have neither a map, nor a key, miss,” Captain V.D. announced, as he tossed the map and key he was holding into the ocean. “I am not one of those clichéd pirates that female authors put in their high-seas themed smut books.”
“Boom!” replied Candy.
“That scene has ended. It’s time to move on to the part where you see my sensitive side and fall helplessly in love with me.”
Candy looked him up and down. She wondered why the 1500’s seemed to be such a popular theme in romance. Didn’t authors know that deodorant had not been invented yet and soap was more of a luxury than a prerequisite? She could smell him from 11 and ¼ feet away and she was pretty sure that if she moved even farther away, she would still be able to. She wrinkled her nose. That’s what characters do when something smells bad, apparently.
Stormy looked overhead at the clear blue sky and thought about how inconsistencies in romance novels can really kill a story. He ran a hand through his closely cropped red hair and jumped a little when a thunder blast struck overhead. He admired Candy from far enough away that he hoped she wouldn’t be able to smell him. His hopes were obviously in vain, as she was covering her nose with one of those pointless decorative fans that women of the era liked to carry.
This girl is an odd one, he thought. She wasn’t particularly difficult to talk to, as women were supposed to be. She didn’t try to run from him, of course, at this point in the story he was too tired to chase her anyway and she did not seem to be the slightest bit in need of rescuing. He was wondering how he was going to rescue her from danger even though he was the one who originally kidnapped her and put her in danger in the first place, when something happened that changed both of their fortunes. A seagull flew overhead and dropped a coin. One of them was about to be a coin richer.
They both scrambled across the deck after the coin (it is so annoying when an author keeps using the same word over and again.) Crashing into one another and falling to the deck, they watched as the coin rolled away down to a grate and nearly tipped inside. Captain Ahab, I mean, Captain V.D., flared into a pyre of burning temper. “Dammit woman! That coin could make all the difference right now! I’m going to go get it and you stay here! Stay put! I’m not kidding,” he reminded her, pointing his index finger in her face.
Suddenly Candy began to behave exactly as a romance heroine does, and burst out into a flood of enormous tears and began to sob and wail and sniffle and sniff and cry and moan and snuffle and weep and then the author ran out of synonyms. Naturally, this made Stormy feel terrible, so he took her chin and lifted it so he could look deeply into her eyes and convey his silent apology. “I’m Sorry,” he said, not silently at all, still keeping an eye on the coin perched precariously at the edge of the grate. Pirate.
Candy continued to carry on for a moment, before trying to pull away and hide her tear-stained face, because no romance heroine wants to admit that they do the ugly cry. Candy continued to wriggle and struggle against his firm grasp. (Why he would grasp her firmly on the chin is another matter entirely.)
“I didn’t mean to upset you. I will go get the coin and once I have the coin I will allow you to hold the coin until we get to wherever the author decides we are going and then I will use the coin to buy you something pretty, after I buy myself a drink, with the coin. If there’s enough left from the coin, I mean.
Candy dried her cheeks upon her skirts and stared up at him, eyes still glistening. “Stop saying ‘coin’” she said in a trembling voice. “It is annoying the fuck out of me.”
Captain felt his heart do a flip flop. She swore like a sailor. Sexy.